My life took a really funny turn recently. With school, work and relationships.
I stopped working for my father because, as a 20 year old college student, i just couldnt make the commitment he required.
I’m feeling so unmotivated in school. I just hate going to class. I wish i had gone to cosmetology school when i wanted to. Now i’m considering going to cosmetology school and perhaps during or after getting a degree in business.
I just really cannot handle my history major. Lectures are so difficult for me to get through. I’m beginning to think my ADHD is worse than i thought because even with adderall class is a nightmare. Why is this? Maybe i’m slightly depressed? With being unmotivated, but then how have i been bringing myself to the gym every single day?
I hate using my adhd as an excuse, its bullshit, but ugh sometimes its just impossible and no one really seems to understand.
What the fuck is wrong with me guys?
-insert panic attack here-
Then with dylan and my break up he wants to get lunch, where as i just want to ship him all of his shit and maybe have a phone conversation and move on with my life.
I mean, like, honestly, looking back, why did i stay with him? He did so much wrong to me and in the end he only used me for my money and car and weed. How immature. And here i thought i found my soul mate.
Love is stupid you guys.
Granted i’ve been seeing this amazing guy. He takes me out, cooks for me, always texts me….and the way he makes me feel is incredible. Protected and safe and yet respected, he understands im independent.
Its so soon though right guys? Thats what i thought but this seems so right. Everything is easy with him. He treats me like a lady. I love it.
And the best part, he actually fucking listens to what i have to say. Who knew.
I dont know. I’m happy you guys, in general. But things are throwing me seriously off. Like school. Why do i have to choose what i want to do now?
What if i turn 50 hating my life because i chose my career at 20…. what kind of nonsense is that?
Ugh. Can anyone relate?
P.s. sorry for the lack of “read more” im on my phone.
on my clean and jerks (90lbs 1rm, but itll get better, two weeks ago it was 85lbs)
and my mile time went from 10 mins and change to 7:50!!!
Read more, because this is personal and I know half of you probably don’t care for this to take up so much space on your dash.
I just saw Silver Linings Playbook and i almost cried hysterically. The fact that it even remotely related to my life is somewhat bothersome, but comforting at the same time. I can’t really explain it. Just the small things in the movie….like the fights the family had and such.
What has my life come to you guys? I do not understand.
Even though such a huge portion of my life may have ended, the rest of my life seems clearer than ever. I must chase after what I truly want in life and not let anyone get in the way of that. Big changes are coming, ladies and gentleman. I am both excited and terrified.
Only time will tell what the future has in store for me.
dylan and i broke up. like broke up for real, not just a break.
i’m torn to pieces. I know it isn’t just my fault and it isn’t just his fault, but either way, this is the man I thought i would one day marry and that dream just got flushed down the toilet.
I know that I shouldn’t have done what I did, and I remember when I made the conscious decision that if this wond up being a mistake that I would have to deal with the consequences.
When it comes down to it, I did what I wanted to do. No one else in mind but me. I’m going to try and channel that single-girl energy I guess.
To loose the love of your life, there is no greater pain, I can tell you that much. Literally my whole body hurts you guys. Everything.
And I can feel so many things happening my head. I can hear the bad demons trying to creep in through the cracks my broken heart has created.
I won’t let them get a hold of me, but I know in a time like this, I just want to fall back into everything destructive. It helps me not feel.
And I don’t want to feel, because this hurts. It hurts so damn much. I dont think it will ever stop hurting. The next few months, years, whatever, they are going to kill me.
At the same time, i want to feel all of it because heart break is beautiful. It is beautiful and tragic and everyone should feel this. I just want to channel it into something positive.
I think that on top of it all I am looking to make some serious changes to my life. Like, I’m considering transferring and maybe becoming a full time student, instead of part time school/part time work.
But i don’t know if I want to give up my job bec there is no guarantee that it will be here when I want it back.
But I just dont know if I can deal with the responsibilities of this job right now.
I dont know if I can deal with anything right now.
so i want to thank all of you on saturday who saw my post about taking some time and immediately proceeded to text me to check up on me.
I was drunk at a party at my friend’s house & i think they were all a little jealous bec i kept running around going “my internet friends are the best!”
i love you all so much, i dont know where i would be with out you guys. i have come so far just from the first time i even logged into tumblr and so many of you have watched it all unfold before your eyes.
i will forever be thankful to you all <3
So much shit has happened this week guys. Fuck. My. Life.
I miss you all terribly and i’ll be back soon i promise. Im just in need of some time to gather myself.
I can pin point the exact moment I fell overboard
The moment you walked me off the plank
And watched as I plummeted towards the harsh, cold sea.
Held my head under water, while I thrashed beneath you
Making waves and bubbles,
Certain my lungs would give out at any moment,
I calmed myself, stilled my body.
And patiently awaited your next move.
And my vision blurs, fingers tingle
My heart was threatening to never play another beat
For my feet to march to, again.
I refocus myself. I trace my steps backwards.
I trace my steps forwards and sideways.
Which move lead my king and I to our demise?
And then, you release your grasp and I float upwards.
My lungs, they have given up. My body, growing colder fast.
There was no hope for me. I wasn’t making it out of this one alive.
Not this time, at least.
I lay motionless, rocking in the gentle waves.
I hurt, inside and outside.
I do not struggle, the fight is over.
I cannot scream, I cannot cry.
And you have won.
You may go on to face your next opponent now.
But then, you whisper, “you are my queen”.
My heart, it hears this, and it gives a hopeful flutter.
My lungs respond, gasping.
The feeling returns to each and every limb of mine.
And I open my eyes.
At first blinded, I wince.
But then I see you.
You are all I ever see. You are all I ever want to see.
And I realize, this is no game of chess.
I do not know what to do.
What should be my next move?
To lay here, motionless, until you come to my rescue?
Or do I pick back up, fight the current, and [hopefully] win?
You cannot give me answers now, this is what eats me alive.
How can I choose what is right?
“Do what is right for you.”
“But, I don’t know.”